As Heather puts it, "One of the Interview Project's goals is to get us reading outside of our usual blog circles." That is exactly what happened, and I'm so glad I was paired with Megan, from TTABaby.
Megan and her husband are currently waiting to be matched. I read almost every post in Megan's blog. I found myself in many of her posts. She is a very brave adoption blogger. She tells her story as it is and honestly shares her feelings as they are at every moment of her journey.
Below is my interview with megan. You can check out other great interviews here. Don't forget to hop over Megan's blog to read my interview too.
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How did your family handle the adoption news? I know you invited them to write a page on your family profile (dear birthparent book). Who sent their responses? Who didn't? How do you feel about what they wrote? How about the ones who didn't? How is it now, more than one year after your announcement?
I wish I had been blogging more regularly at the point in which we made the announcement. I also feel like we didn't make a big announcement. With my family it was a process of talking about infertility and the tests that we did. As each test came back abnormal the more we discussed adoption. I recall at one point my mother asked me when she could start telling people she was going to be a grandmother. I told her it was up to her but it could be a long time.
My parent in-laws were not ready to hear we had chosen to skip infertility treatments. At the time I felt like they were unhappy about the adoption but now I am coming around to the idea that they were just not ready yet. I had a feeling this might happen and as test results we felt comfortable sharing came in we shared them with my in-laws to help prepare them. When we finally told them we were meeting with the agency for an informational interview they expressed that we should try infertility treatments. I informed them that our decision was to pursue adoption.
I'm glad we had our families participate in making pages. Everyone in our immediate families made pages (parents, sisters, brothers). We only have one living grandparent between us and she is not in a position cognitively to create a page so I included her in my page. In the end everyone finished their pages. I look forward to being able to share the book with my child showing that their whole family really worked together to bring them to us. I wish there were more opportunities to bring in the extended family into the wait.
A year into waiting people are more understanding of the process and waiting though we continue to have to remind them that we have no news but that could change very quickly. My mother-in-law yesterday when I was setting up a time to go baby supply shopping with her mentioned that we should consider what we might want in a crib for our second baby! Part of waiting is remembering that everyone waits differently and our whole family is waiting not just us.
One of the hardest things I had to deal with while we were waiting was pregnancy announcements. All my friends were getting pregnant.
I dragged myself to baby showers. I was happy for them, but I was grieving, letting go of the possibility of ever carrying a child in my womb. How are you handling it?
At this point we go to weddings and wonder how long it will be before we are invited to to their baby shower and what the chances are we will still be waiting. I've had to say that on a whole I've avoided the showers. I usually have had a legitimate excuse (like I work weekends) though some have been self created (one I planned for my sister to come that weekend). Its not that I'm not happy for my friends, I'm thrilled for them that they did not have to go through the struggle we did! Situations that surround babies often bring out comments that I'd just rather avoid. I guess as a whole I am handling it via avoidance.
I get my own share of weird/insensitive comments about adoption. I post them every once in a while on my blog in a series called "People say the darndest things". What has been the craziest thing someone has said to you about adoption? How have you responded?
I LOVE your People Say the Darndest Things posts! You have better lines for turning the question back at them then I do. I blogged recently about ignorance and adoption. My trouble is that its not always ignorance but a lack of thought. I know that many people are interested in what we are going through and want to be supportive. This is new for most of our friends as we are the first to adopt (We are young so I anticipate we wont be the last). I understand at times its hard for formulate the question in a way thats sensitive... but THINK before you speak!! No one ever had to be educated that its rude to ask someone that is pregnant how much they weigh.
I have a tendency to answer the question in a way that ignores the initial rudeness. For example when people ask if we are going to take a drug baby. I will share with them that we have a check list which allowed us to pick if drug use during the pregnancy is acceptable. I also share with them that many birthmothers are not using drugs. I confirm nor deny the question but indicate that its not something I'm going to tell them.
The craziest thing someone has said...thats tough! I think there are three comments that have really gotten to me primarily because of who they were: one from my MIL, one from the pediatrician and one from a friend. When I told a friend from grad school we were adopting her response was "Are you OK with that?" I informed her we were excited and waiting. I was civil to her the rest of that weekend but I have not spoken to her sense nor do I plan on it. (Her later comments about breast feeding made me realize she wasn't worth educating).
Just like you mentioned once, it always seems like EVERYONE knows someone who adopted and then got pregnant. It was annoying to hear this while we were waiting. Even if it happens and it will double your blessings, do you ever feel like hoping it never happens just to prove them wrong? Do you still struggle with accepting your infertility?
As I mentioned in that post my own minister is "one of those people." I know it's possible for some people but I don't hold any hope. If it happened it would be a double blessing; however I also wish to prove them wrong! Is it possible? Anything is possible its not probable. For us it was a choice between IVF or adoption we couldn't do both. The doctors indicated that our chances were good with IVF but I wasn't convinced based on our test results. The doctors also had told us many other things that should/could work that didn't.
I don't think I will accept our infertility but I can live with it. I had been told when I was younger that I likely wouldn't be able to have children so at the start of our dating relationship I already had spoken to DH about adoption and my "risk" of infertility. Funny thing is what I was told was my "problem" was not our problem at all. Its not something I can change but something that is part of us.
It does at times creep up on me. I also feel though that its hard to sort out the desperation of waiting and the frustration of infertility. When it does hit me I physically feel the emotion of sadness starting as a pit in my stomach that rises up to my throat and fills my eyes with tears.
What made you decide to wait to have a baby shower until after the arrival of your baby?
My mother-in-law plans on throwing one once the baby is born. I'm glad we didn't have one the first year because we are still waiting. As I hope our time gets closer I do think it would be nice to ask her to have it sooner rather then later. It also seems like a strange idea to have a baby at the baby shower. The other half of me is cautious what if our wait is another year? Also like yellow and green, but a co-worker of DH's kept the sex of her baby secret and everything is yellow and green! Since we dont know the sex of our baby holding off means maybe we can get some pink and blue. I have painted the nursery and have a general theme. I have received things from people here and there mainly I think as ways for people to tell me they are thinking about me.
Why is it so important for you to breast feed? On a recent blog post you said "It's about doing what any parents would do which is at least try to do what they believe is best for their child." That may in part answer my question, but I wonder... Are you worried about bonding with your child or is it because of the nutritional/health benefits for baby? Or is it to "fit in"? Perhaps get another of the "female benefits of pregnancy", as you once said?
I have explored of the idea that I want to breastfeed because thats what women who become pregnant do. I am sure that there is a small part of me that wants to have the same options as "everyone else." I also am the daughter of a lactation consultant where the importance of breastfeeding was stressed our whole lives. When I was 21 I had a reduction surgery and specifically found a surgeon that would preserve my ability to breast feed, which I don't think is on the mind of most 21 year old women.
I think when I first was coming to terms with our infertility and decided to pursue adoption I was honestly heart broken that I would have to formula feed my baby. When I was told induction was a possibility this grief was lifted. I personally know two mothers who tried to induce lactation one was successful and the other felt it was too overwhelming. Will I be successful I dont know, but I feel like I have to at least try! I really feel strongly that breast milk even for the shortest time is important to a child's development of their immune system. It's not right for every family, but I feel like its right for ours.
You submitted your questions before I did and I want to ask one of the same questions you asked: "If you were stranded on an island with your DH what material item would you want with you? And why?"
My phone!! That way when we get the call that we have a baby I'll be able to let them know we would be a tad delayed, but would start swimming immediately! :)
Thank you so much, Megan! :o)
