The Post-Placement Visits

Some people think our adoption was finalized the day we brought M home. It doesn't work that way. Adoption is a loooong journey... We have to go through a series of visits as part of the Post-Placement Supervision. Our social worker visited our home once a month after placement. Last Friday was our third (and last!) post-placement visit.

The first visit was the longest, when M was one month old, and it required some preparation. Our social worker sent us more paperwork to fill out and send back to her before her visit.  


I always feel we have to be perfect in front of her. Even though she's a very nice person and we feel at ease with her, she's the social worker, you know?  So I did the drill all over again - tidy up the house,  dress up the baby, bring out the appetizers, and smack a smile on my face, even when I was sleep deprived.  Just like we did for the home study. I don't mean that our house is a pigsty, or that we don't practice common courtesy with visitors, but when I see her I always feel like a child trying to be the perfect little girl who gets straight As. What am I afraid of? That our social worker will file a negative report because she didn't like my appetizers? I know it's silly, but I can't help it... 

The interview included more intruding questions and we went through everything that happened, from the moment we received the call to the present time. She asked about our daily routine,  M's feeding schedule, our friends and family's involvement, M's medical history and doctor's visits, our feelings, our family's feelings, what we do for leisure, stress, our financial status, work, the brand of formula we use... Everything!

Second and third visits?  Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Minus the paperwork.

Yes, it felt like spying. The uneasy feelings that come as a result of having to prove ourselves worthy of being parents always come back, just like with the home study visits. I wish we didn't have to go through all this, but it is all part of the package. However, just as with our home study, it turned out to be a learning the experience as well. Funny how things work...

She said we seemed very well adjusted as new parents and that M looked very healthy and incredibly beautiful -  things we already knew. Then, more magic words...

"I'm very pleased with my findings. I'll have your report ready by Monday."

That's today! :o)

What's next? We wait for our court date. Can't wait! 


See? Adoption is a long journey. We're always waiting. ;o)

Privacy confusion

"Sometimes I wish I could go some place where nobody knows me."

-Stand by Me

At the beginning of our journey I started reading adoption blogs. Some people were almost on the same chapter we were on our journey, some were very far behind. Others were very far ahead of us. I started thinking about all those families waiting to adopt, or thinking about adopting, and I thought maybe our story would help them, just as the story of many other bloggers helped us. Writing about the process and going through every stage was kind of therapeutic. But I never told the whole story. I have always kept some stuff to myself.

I started this blog to keep my family and friends up to date with our adoption. I posted everything that was going on. Then most of them asked questions that not only proved they were completely lost, but also that they weren't reading my posts.

Even if they could care less about what I wrote, turns out that the comments left by complete strangers who DO read my blog provided support I could not find anywhere else.  I've learned so much from them. Now I have the honor of calling some of them my friends.

There are so many things I wish to say and write about, but I'm afraid... Afraid that my family will eventually decide to read my posts and get hurt. Afraid about my daughter reading it in the future and not knowing how she’s going to react. On the other hand, there's so much information we don't want to discuss with family and friends so M is the sole owner of her story, and yet here I am telling to the world what I think is already too much information... Where should I draw the line?

I was working on a draft about a recent incident, where someone said an annoying comment that was just infected beyond belief with birth mom myths, racism and adoptism. I was taking a break from my emotional turmoil, reading other blogs, thinking about just deleting my draft and never publishing it, and found Dawn's post.

It made me think. Instead of keeping things to myself, maybe I can do the metaphor thing. Or I could just let go. Or do the exact opposite and go private.

I'm so confused...

Isn't it ironic that I feel totally paranoid when I import my blog into Facebook, and yet making my thoughts public on Blogger to complete strangers makes me feel safe? I changed the privacy settings of my notes on Facebook a few days ago so that only my husband can see them. I did it to stop sharing so much information with people I know but aren't necessarily close. But how close am I to those who find my blog on the net? And how much information is too much even for your close friends?

Should I do the same here? Invite only my followers, all 64 million of them? (That, of course, was a joke...) Or maybe I'll just write about the positive things and keep the sad and nasty things to myself, which is pretty much what I have done so far... Now, if I choose not to write about what bothers me, am I being honest? If not, why am I blogging, anyway? 

People say the darndest things, Part II

"Appoint yourself ambassador of adoption. Rather than feeling shocked or belittled each time something bizarre comes out of a relative’s mouth, see him or her as an innocent soul who lacks in basic knowledge about adoption. Your task is to teach this person what he or she needs to know in order to stop hurting or insulting you and your child."

-Adoptive Families

And so, I did. I've been the best adoption ambassador I could be. People say the most bizzare things, ask the most senseless questions, I might feel a little enraged at most of these comments, and yet I choose to educate. I volunteered for the job, and I did pretty well, but I think I'm ready to quit.

Nah, this is a lifetime job. Maybe I just need some time to vent...

As I said in Part I, consider this Adoption 101. ;o)

Let me share the comments that we're getting now, after placement.

• "Why does she look asian? You don't look asian. Is anyone in your family asian?" This comes usually from strangers. Oh my God! What do they care? At first I tried ignoring them, but they would keep asking until they got an answer. Can't people take a hint? I now say she inherited her beautiful looks from my mother in law, who's not asian, but I get them off my back. Works like a charm...
• "Is this the baby you adopted?" No, It's a loaner. :o|
• "Oooohhhh... Wait and see. NOW you'll get pregnant!" Seriously, I must ask again - Do people think adoption is the cure for infertility?
• "She looks just like you!" This, coming from a friend or family member, is just annoying...
• "If you could only breast feed her..." We researched about it and I could breast feed - if I wanted to. I chose not to. I have my own personal reasons. I don't feel any less of a mother because I'm not breast feeding my baby.
• "She's so lucky to have you as parents." Now, this is a tough one. We just wanted to be parents. We weren't on a mission to "save" a child. Our baby wasn't "saved." A loving couple placed her with us and made us parents. They have to endure a loss. Our daughter might never meet them. We're the lucky ones.
• "You had her the easy way. You didn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy! And you look great!" It was not easy. I still remember how much we wanted to get pregnant and how powerless we felt for not being able to achieve it. How we had to grieve after having failed so many invasive procedures, including IVF. Now I think I didn't miss anything - I'm healing - but that doesn't mean this journey was easy. And I still respect that part of me that wanted to be pregnant. It just hurts when someone minimizes our loss...
• "Where did she come from?" Uhm... Outer space. :oP
• "What language will she speak?" I didn't know language was imprinted at birth and we needed to do something about it...
• "Why did she give her away? Why???" I still don't know how to answer that one and make them stop. I respect J and D (M's birthparents) so much, and besides, this is M's story... If they only knew this was their decision, not J's only... I tried "They did it out of love" but that only makes people follow with "I could never do that." It's so uncomfortable...
• "Did you check her medical history?" Yes we did, after she was placed with us, and we discussed every little detail with her pediatrician. I guess any parent in their right mind worries about their child's well being. And besides, do biological children come with a satisfaction guarantee? The thing is that people who ask this question think that we could have changed our minds if we had learned that there was something wrong with M. Just like people do when they visit a pet shop and only pick a healthy dog. Christ...
• "Do you have to meet with the birthparents??? Oh, I would advise against that... That will only confuse your child." Some people are just ignorant about this whole process. They have no idea of what open adoption is. We're not meeting them, but I wish we had news about them... If we ever have the opportunity to meet them again, it will be our decision. I'm open for motherly advise, but what makes them think I asked for their advise, on this topic, anyway?

And, saving the worst for last...

• "I know a family who adopted and those kids are troubled. They don't love their adoptive parents. They should be grateful for being adopted." Would you believe this comment was made by a doctor? Yes, an MD! Not only that, a woman, who fought infertility, and who I mistakenly thought would be happy to hear we threw the needles away and became parents through the miracle of adoption. And "feel grateful"? What's that about?? I don't think my daughter owes me anything.

Ahhh... That felt good. Thanks for allowing me to vent. :o)

I think it's hard to be an adoption ambassador. How's everyone doing with this job?

Boot Camp

Everything happens for a reason.

I can't believe how desperate I used to feel. "Why me?" was always in my mind. My friends were getting pregnant all over the place. What friends... My students! I was sure I was going to lose it and snap at the next friend, student or stranger that dared to announce "I'm pregnant!"

And the hardest thing was dealing with my infertile friends also getting pregnant... One by one, they were all removing the infertility label they had on their foreheads. Some got pregnant with twins! And some didn't even go through In-Vitro. One dear friend, after receiving all our best advice, went to her infertility specialist - you know, to find out what was going on, nothing special, just routine... The doctor sent her off to do some blood work. When she returned with the results, she was so afraid her hormones were out of balance... They were. The doctor told her she was pregnant.

Come on! Are you kidding me?!

It took a while for us to accept that this was our path to follow. God had better plans for us - adoption.

And then there was the wait... And yet again, it was perfect. God only makes perfect things, so His plan for us had to be perfect.

It was hard for me to believe at first, but now I get it. I understand now that everything happens for a reason. Everything that has happened to us - EVERYTHING - was part of God's perfect plan for us. I cannot explain it, but I feel that things that happened in my life - even in my childhood - fit PERFECTLY in His plan. Everything. I cannot stress it enough.

There's a song by Marcela Gándara - A Long Journey - that says, roughly translated,

"It's been a long journey, but I finally made it

I saw the light even though I doubted

I crossed many valleys of insecurity

I had so many days full of doubt

But I'm here at last, and I've come to understand

That I made it for this hour

And for this moment I was born

And in His eternal purpose I found myself

I made it for this hour,

And though It's been hard to believe

In His plans for today I found myself"

The translation doesn't do any justice to this beautiful hymn... I think God's plan for us were in the making ever since I was born. I now understand that my life has been a 37 year long boot camp, training for the moment when I finally had our daughter in my arms. It was not easy, but it was definitely worth every minute of it.

People talk about loss when they accept infertility. I understand the feeling. I had to go through it to accept the wonderful journey God had paved before us. But now I feel I didn't miss anything. Adoption is a blessing. I am a mom!

Motherhood has been an amazing experience. I've never known love this way... Can you love someone so much it hurts?

Here are some pictures of our baby girl. Enjoy!

My baby is 1month old!

Happy 1st month, M! :o)

The day we met our daughter's birthparents

The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and resembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed.

-Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

(Thanks, Rebekah. I stole this from your blog!)

When we got the call, our socialworker told us that J, the birth mother, did not want to meet us, but that D, the birth father, wanted to. J liked our profile and she loved us, but she thought it would be too hard for her to see us.

I understand that not wanting to meet us was, maybe, her way to heal and deal with the grief of loss... There is no way anyone can possibly describe what J was going through. We were willing to respect her wishes, but the possibility of never meeting her left us with a very uneasy feeling, a sort of emptiness...

Our journey was about to come full circle and yet we needed to meet J and D. Some people don't understand this feeling, this need we had to meet our daughter's birth parents. But we had no idea if that would ever happen...

After flying thousands of miles, we arrived at the hospital the following day. Our social worker said that J might want to meet us. That gave us a little hope...

Looking back, we were very scared of meeting the birth mother at the beginning of our adoption journey. We have friends who have what I think is a very open adoption, and when we decided to adopt we could not understand how they could just hop on a plane and have a visit with their son's birth parents. I thought they were out of their minds... I wondered if, in the case of having an open adoption like theirs, such visits would made me feel like they were invading our privacy, or questioning my motherhood, not to mention plain scared. So very misinformed, the only idea we had about the whole concept were the cases that made the news. The fear of the birth mother wanting her child back, that she would change her mind and make our lives miserable - an image created by the media - haunted us.

So much has changed in us...

The path of open adoption makes us grow, one baby step at a time. When we were making our family profile and wrote the birthmom letter, we said we wanted to meet her and to hear her dreams for her child. We promised to honor her, to tell her baby all about her. We said "You'll be a part of her bedtime stories" and we honestly meant it. A view so much different than the one we had at the very beginning of our journey...

I left the hospital that day feeling overwhelmed. There were so many emotions going on. I cried tears of joy, but at the same time we were scared, in plain shock. And there was this void, this vast empty space in our hearts, all because we weren't sure if the birth mother wanted to meet us.

That first night with our daughter was absolutely amazing... We couldn't stop looking at her. We counted ten little fingers and ten little toes. Her head was full of hair. The whole universe stood still when she opened her eyes, even if she only did so for a few seconds.

Holding her in my arms my husband asked me if I wondered what she was going to look like when she grew up. It then hit me - I had no idea. I guess when parents give birth to their baby they somewhat know, since their baby is a mixture of them both. And if they don't, they're able to identify their traits, like the baby having mom's eyes and dad's hair... But what could we tell about our adopted child, specially when we hadn't met the birthparents? I just knew she was going to be beautiful... I kept picturing her playing with her dad at our backyard, wearing a sundress and a ponytail... But strangely enough, I could not imagine her face.

We both woke up together every 3 hrs to feed her. We shared every moment, enjoyed every minute of it. I even remember thinking "What is all the fuss about? This is easy!"

But the void was still there. I just had to see J. I had never met her, or talked to her - all I knew was her first name - and I cannot explain the feeling, but it was as if I had stolen this child from her...

The following morning, August 31, our social worker called and gave us the wonderful news. J and D wanted to meet us. Yes, both of them! She made all the arrangements and we met that afternoon at a local restaurant.

Fico and I decided to get a present for J and D. We had no idea of what to get for an occasion like this one. There was nothing in this world that could compare to the gift we had just received. We decided on some sort of necklace for J and a gift card for D, so he could take her out to dinner.

We stopped at a jewelry store on our way to the restaurant. It didn't take long. It was the first time I spent less than 5 minutes in a jewelry store and actually walked out with a purchase. I had found the perfect gift. It was a heart pendant. The heart had three hearts inside. It was perfect... It reminded me of the adoption triad - the three-sided relationship that exists in an adoption between birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee, each of which is interrelated and inter-dependent on the others.

Now, if you look closely, you can see there are really five open hearts - one for each and every one of us, inside a big heart. It was perfect!

Jane Seymour, the designer (and one of my favorite actresses), has as her slogan for her jewelry collection "If your heart is open love will always find it's way in." I think it's beautiful... I bought one for me and one for my daughter.

We wrote them a letter saying how grateful we were. All I can say is we poured our hearts in that letter, but no words could possibly express how we felt. We are saving the words we wrote for our daughter, for her to read one day.

Minutes later we arrived at the restaurant. When I first saw them I burst into tears. My daughter looked exactly like J... Exactly! Same hair. Same eyes. Oh my God, the same beautiful eyes... Crying, I kept telling Fico, over and over, how much our baby looked like her.

We all felt scared at the beginning. They looked at us in disbelief, as if it was so amazing to meet, in person, these famous people that were in a book they just read - our family profile. We looked at them lovingly, with extreme gratitude. We hugged. At that moment no one said a word...

We wanted to learn as much as we could about them. This moment would be our only chance to meet them, an opportunity to get to know them and later be able tell our daughter all about them. It was also the time for J and D to feel comfortable with the decision they made for their baby.

J asked how the baby was doing. "Did she sleep OK? Is she eating well? What does her eyes look like?" I said with tears in my eyes "Like yours!" We talked about everything, anything and nothing. We got to know each other. Three hours passed. Time flew...

We didn't want to say goodbye, but the social worker had another appointment. At that moment we gave J and D their gifts and our letter. J read it out loud. We were all in tears.

She absolutely loved her necklace... I wear mine every day. Can't wait for my daughter to wear hers.

Saying our goodbyes, we cried and hugged one another. We took pictures of the four of us together, all smiling with tearful eyes. That picture forever and that moment will be cherished by us forever.

J and I hugged each other one more time for what seemed an eternity.. We couldn't let go... She then hugged Fico, so tenderly, so gratefully. All we could hear was silence. This was a busy restaurant, and all I remember is the four of us...

Before they left, we asked "Do you want to know her name?"

They said "Yes, of course."

"M."

Softly, they said, "That's beautiful..."

Crying, we hugged one more time. Then they walked away. And along with them were our hearts...

We needed this so much... That that feeling of stealing a child from her family turned into extreme gratitude and peace of mind. These two amazing beings entrusted us with the life of their child and made us parents. We are extremely grateful. God bless their hearts...

There's not a day that goes by without me thinking about them. I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we had known them before M was born. I wish people could understand the love, respect and admiration we as adoptive parents feel for our daughter's birth parents... Is it only me or does every adoptive parent feel this way? Sometimes I think we could've enjoyed having a more open adoption, like the one our friends have.

We can't wait to share all of this with M. We're reading to her now. Soon, all of this will be a part of her bedtime stories...