Finalization!

Finalization is the last formal step of the adoption process, and we're happy to announce that... we have our court date! Last night we received notice from the agency attorneys. On February 19 we'll gain permanent, legal custody of our precious baby girl. Forever family... :o)

Open Adoption Roundtable #13

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

--------

Open Adoption Roundtable #13


We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don't want the same level of openness. First mothers who don't get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child's first mother in his life, but she is not ready.


But what we don't often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can't agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

• It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
• Or a first mother isn't ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby's life.
• Maybe a spouse isn't supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
• Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn't comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
• And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

------

I was reading Heather's prompt and what made me participate was the "classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario". The comments people make keep this birthmother myth hovering over us. It comes and goes, but I think it's always there.

The other day, we were caught in the middle of a discussion about identity theft, modern internet technology and Facebook in a "big-brother-is-watching" kind of tone. "This is not going to end good," I remember telling myself.

The thing is that they kept going on and on about what I was doing - uploading my baby's pictures, making them available to everyone. I told them only my friends are able to see the pictures and that I sensed they were afraid of something, and to please explain what it was. Pointing at my daughter, one of them stood up and yelled "Im afraid for HER!!!"

"Why? WHAT are you afraid of?" I desperately asked. I knew exactly where this was going...

Then they said "What if her mother wants her back??? What if she wants to steal her?"

Sooooo many things are wrong with that statement...

I said "Her birth mother is not going to 'steal' her."

They kept going... "What are you going to do when she shows up on your doorstep?"

I replied "Invite her in for a cup of coffee" very matter-of-factly.

My ears were burning, though...

When we were getting ready to meet our daughter's birthparents someone said "Don't you dare to take the baby with you!"  We didn't take her with us because J, her birthmom, asked us not to, and we respected her wishes. We would've definitely brought M with us if she had wanted us to. 

I simply ignored the comment. I said we were going alone. We were very excited to meet them. We didn't have to explain anything...

How do I deal with these situations? Well, just like that. I had to ignore what was going on at the moment. I didn't encourage further discussion. It was not the place or time to start an Adoption 101 session. The air might get too tense.

But we DO need to educate. My husband and I decided that we have to sit down with the people we care about and have a talk when the time is right. Educate them. That's all we can do. 

We talk. We try to educate. However, not everyone "gets" it, you know? Talking to people and letting them know how you feel makes them uncomfortable. Some say they think we're paranoid; some say we're being way too sensitive; some say we're making a big deal out of some random comment.

Not random. This is important.

And sensitive? Of course we are! This just proves they have no idea of how much we honor J, our daughter's birthmom. Do they think she's a bad person? Do they truly believe she's a maniac who's going to steal M? How can we make them understand that this is simply not true?  Can't they at least show some respect to her for M's sake? 

I'm just so afraid of what they might say to M about her once she's old enough and starts asking questions. I know we can do our part, and tell M everything about her, share the love we feel for both her birthparents, but we still worry... That's why I think they need to know how we feel about M's birthmom.

No matter what people say they can have no impact on our type of open adoption. Even so, relationships are affected. I must admit I feel bit distant from friends and loved ones who question open adoption. It's not that I'm cutting them out of my life, but I keep some distance to avoid situations like the one I described above. I don't need to be exposed to anything negative right now. I'm enjoying this ride, I'm having the time of my life, and if someone doesn't want to make the effort to jump in, bite their tongues and celebrate every aspect of this wonderful journey with us, well, they leave me no choice. 

This is the first time I participate in the Open Adoption Roundtable. :o)

Now, it's your turn. ;o)

Thinking about M's birthparents

Yesterday we went to buy all sorts of scrapbooking goodies to start putting together M's lifebook. When we got home, we decided to make two - one for M and one for J and D. We decided to send it to them on M's 1st birthday along with a video.


I wonder how J and D are doing.  I thank God every day for them, for bringing M into this world, for choosing us, and I pray for their well being.


I wonder if they've seen M's pictures and read our letters. We've sent them albums (one at her 1st month and one at 3 months) filled with our daughter's greatest moments. It's impossible to choose, so we always send more pictures than what fit in the album. Who knows - maybe they want to frame some of them and keep the others in the album, right? We always send them a letter and tell them all about how our daughter is doing - every milestone, every magical moment - and ask them to keep in touch.


The agency only tells us the package has arrived but they say they don't have any information on wether J and D came to pick it up or not. It makes no sense... I think they would know, right? 


I wish we had news from them...


Have you seen Catelyn's story on MTV's 16 and Pregnant? Catelyn decided to make an adoption plan for her baby. I always heard of that episode in particular, but I hate reality shows, so I never followed the series, never knew when it was on.  (Besides, teenage pregnancy was something that I couldn't deal with when that season was in the air. It was deep into the whole "why not me?" crisis...)  But I finally had the chance to catch it online about a month ago. It was amazing.  So much of their story is like ours. Fico and I watched the episode together and cried so much...


So now I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV. They follow the lives of some of the teen moms from 16 and Pregnant on every episode. I still hate reality shows, so I schedule the program on my TiVo so I can fast forward through it and follow Catelyn's story only.


I watch her struggle... I know the decision to make an adoption plan is not an easy one. Are J and D going through the same emotions?


God, You are my Messenger. Bless M's birth parents. Let them feel our love.

The best gift

My mom played this song for me today and it made me cry.

The Best Gift

by Barbara Streisand

The best gift
That I ever got
Didn't really weigh a lot
It didn't have a ribbon 'round
And it sometimes made a terrible sound
The best of all it seems to me
It wasn't neath the Christmas tree
And yet, I guess I'd have to say
That it made all the other presents twice as gay
The best gift that I've ever known
I'd always wanted most to own
Yet in my dreams of sugar and spice
I never thought it could be so nice
The best gift that I ever get
Was sometimes dry and sometimes wet
Was usually pink but oftentimes red
As it lay so innocently in its bed
The best gift of the year to me
The one I hold most dear to me
A gift that simply drove me wild
Was a tiny new born child...

Happy New year, everyone. :o)

It's New Year's Eve...

2009 is about to end. A summary of the greatest events of the year is in order.

Here we go...

Our baby girl was born. Our dreams came true.

Nothing else matters. This has been the best year ever.

The ban is lifted

When I was struggling with privacy, my bloggy friend rlvd suggested in the comments "share what you feel comfortable sharing with whom you feel comfortable sharing it and invest in a journal for the rest to work out with yourself." I said I thought talking to myself made no sense. How wrong was I...

I worked on the draft about the incident some more. Never posted it. But it was a wonderful exercise. I got to process the whole thing and now I feel better. Don't know if I'll ever publish it, but it helped me get a little over the paranoia I was feeling... And if I ever decide to make it public it it will be just for the purpose of educating people about adoption.

I've run into some of my Facebook readers in the past few weeks. They are my friends. Hadn't seen them in a very long time, and somehow, our paths crossed and we got to see each other again. They were all very happy to meet M. Except for my friend D, who always comments, I didn't know they were reading my Facebook Notes until they told me so. They said they enjoyed them...

So I decided to "lift the ban" and restore my previous privacy settings. Now they can read me again.

To my Facebook readers: sorry I was away, even if it was for a little while. I appreciate your support and wouldn't trade it for the world. I hope you understand it was something I had to work out on my own.