The day I cried for the first time...

You may call this a very belated Mother's Day post. I enjoyed reading everyone else's - I have experienced myself many of the feelings all new moms have shared on their blogs. Jen's post, however, brought back painful memories.

Going to church on Mother's Day was, as she put it, the ultimate torture. Church was filled with numerous families, where many new moms would cry tears of joy holding their babies in their arms as the priest said a special prayer for them. I would cry as I watched them because my arms were empty and my heart ached. I was sad, frustrated, angry. Why couldn't I be a mom?

I remember the day when I cried at church for the first time. March 26, 2006. It wasn't Mother's Day, but we were at church, and right in the middle of our infertility battles, getting ready for IVF. That day, after the service, my niece came to say hello. We hugged and I felt something inexplicable. I love her very much, like I love all my nieces and nephews; every time I see them I hug them so hard I'm afraid I'm going to break them. But this time, when I hugged her, it felt different...

She came waving at me. I hugged her and looked into her eyes. "You're beautiful... I love you so much!! You know that, right?" And we hugged each other again. It was a fairly short hug, but at the same time an endless one, and I felt it very deeply. I felt something else... Something I had never felt before. As if she was my daughter... Or as if I wanted her to be... I'm not sure, but it was amazing...

She said goodbye and went to be with her mom. My eyes followed them as they left the church holding hands. Then I realized that whatever it was that I felt when we hugged wasn't there anymore and it's absence overwhelmed me... Something heavy came completely over me, and I don't know why, but I could not contain myself... I felt an unbearable desire to be a mom. I had never cried because of it before...

I always wanted to be a mom, but I kept my feelings bottled up inside, trying to stay calm, you know, because everyone says you had to stay calm if you wanted to get pregnant. I think I even tricked myself into thinking that yet another negative result was no big deal, since we could always try again. This time I couldn't help it. I just let myself cry...

My husband was right beside me, and when he noticed my tearful eyes, he hugged me and asked me "What's wrong?" I replied "I don't know... This is the first time I cry because of it...", without saying what "it" was. "Soon... Just wait a little longer," he said. And we were joined in his sweet embrace.

I cried many times after that...

This Mother's Day I cried at church too, only this time I was one of the moms they were praying for and my arms weren't empty. We proudly stood up together holding our daughter while the priest said a beautiful prayer for all of us.

In his prayer he said that motherhood is not a physiological accomplishment. He prayed for mothers everywhere, including birthmothers. He didn't use that term, but he prayed for mothers who, for whatever reason, decided not to parent. My husband and I looked at each other. We were praying for J, our daughter's birthmom.

My first Mother's Day was out of this world. My husband gave me my first Mother's Day card at midnight. He couldn't wait till morning! We both cried as I read it.

We had a family gathering at our home. We baked together the most yummy eggplant lasagna and had a blast. I must say at times I thought it was my birthday. Everyone was celebrating MY motherhood...

Mother's Day used to be a day where I do just that with my mom and mother in law - and avoid my friends. Someone was always pregnant, or just had a baby, and even though I was genuinely happy for them, it was too painful to celebrate with them. I was just having a hard time with my infertility. (Wow. It's the first time I admit that...)

So much has changed... There's nothing quite as wonderful as being a new Mom.