The other day a very dear friend kindly confessed she feels like she's walking on eggshells when she's around me. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings whenever anything related to the adoption came up and so she was very careful with her choice of words. I appreciate that and I'm grateful for her honesty. However, do I need that?
Now, I feel like I'm walking around with a label stuck in my forehead that says:
WARNING! Adoptive Mom. Address with extreme caution.
I will always feel proud to be an adoptive mom - don't get me wrong. I'm so proud! I love to talk about my daughter and about adoption - my two favorite subjects. I just don't want the label, the pity, or any kind of eggshell walking. I want to be aknowledged for who I am, for myself as a whole - as a MOM.
I was hoping she had been so supportive and understanding lately because she finally "got" it. She has said some pretty sensitive things in the past, but most of them were at the very begining of our journey, when it's expected that NO ONE understands. Things like "I don't understand how they do it. I could never give up my child."
Well... I guess she will never understand. Maybe no one will, and that's fine.
Strike that. I wish people could understand. I can shield myself from insensitive comments, but I trully wish everyone, or at least those close to me, like my family and friends, would be able to understand and honor our daughter's birthmom. These comments don't honor her. I feel like they're judging her.
I tried to explain this to my friend one more time. I said "I don't expect to convince you to think otherwise" to which she nodded in agreement, something that shut me out instantly, and thus I ended my argument quickly, saying "We only hope people understand we want to honor her."
Am I expecting too much? Am I overly sensitive?
---
Aaaaanyway... This post is about the darn comments people make. Think comments will ever stop? Nope. They keep coming! Most of them come from strangers, but some come from people very close to us.
Here are some of the latest hits...
- I was telling someone at the baby gym something about my daughter and I, I'm not sure what it was, and she said "Oh, that also happens to real moms." I pinched myself. I felt real. :o|
- A woman asked about my daughter "Is she cross-eyed?" I explained she wasn't. "Actually she has a wide nose bridge and an epicanthal fold, very common with Asian children. The epicanthal fold is skin of the upper eyelid that covers the inner corner (canthus) of the eye. When she looks slightly to either side you can't see as much sclera (white part of the eye) on the inner corner of her eye. It’s just an optical illusion." I was so proud of my scientific explanation! (I learned so much from Danielle's post...) Then she replied "You know? She can have plastic surgery to correct that. Yes, they cut the fold and make the eyes look normal." I almost had a heart attack...
- This happened when M was 4 months old and I didn't get it until now... I took M to the office with me one day and the mother of one of my students walks in and asks to meet M. I'm proudly showing her off and when she saw her face the first thing she blurted out was "Oooohhh... My sister had a baby two weeks ago! The baby has Down's Syndrome. They're still coping with it..." I gave her words of support and encouragement as I know a couple of wonderful children with Down's Syndrome. Five months passed, and I don't know why, I recalled this event just a few weeks ago and started thinking... Does she think M has Down's Syndrome? Because of her eyes? :o|
- "Will you tell her she's adopted?" No! She will never know! (Jeez... Do people really think I would keep it from her? How???) :o|
- It happened once. Then twice. People are starting their sentences with "Well, in your case..." Oh, right, because my experience as a mom must be different because of an adjective.
- And this one, almost out of The Blind Side
(2009) "Let me tell you something - You have changed her life forever." And I reply accordingly "No. She's changing mine."
If you wish to read the previous posts, you can find them here:
Sigh...people are so ignorant! I mean really, surgery to fix her eyes? WTF! Who says shit like that?
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me the other day that even if we adopt, they will pray for us, so we can get a real baby. I told her to pray for our baby and birthmother because my adoptive baby is my real baby.
oh, and I think your baby girl is beautiful...just the way she is!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, you've had some whammies too. I guess that's why there are adoptive parent support groups, etc. Just as a side note, I live in an area where many, many families have adopted from China. Well, we have registered our baby at a day care which was once exclusively for Chinese babies, so I'm really excited that she will be surrounded by other adopted kids. But the BEST part is I also learned they have a Mandarin program...so she'll also be learning a new language!
ReplyDeleteoh, i'm steaming over here...
ReplyDeletenot that this is meant to comfort you b/c each and every race is beautiful so it's amazing to be any of them, but I never even thought/knew your M was of asian descent. Those comments are insanely horrible.
and you're right- it comes from friends as well as passers by, sadly.
and you are not overly whatever to want those close to you to see the respect for birthparents and the immense beyond words love most all have for their (our) children...grrr. I HATE it when people assume that we don't regard them or have a relationship w/ them, etc and will "talk trash"...
how do we fight this??? I just keep trying to speak my heart and be some sort of example?
sorry if any of my wording in here is strange-- trying to convey support, but words can get tangled!
Thank you so much for sharing! I CANNOT believe what comes out of peoples mouths! This week (and through our whole journey) we have had the craziest things said to us. Some of which have come from close friends and it's just so upsetting. I really try hard to think they have the best intentions. With the stress of us travelling on Sunday and our daughter being born on Monday I really don't have any patience or room left to deal with these comments!!! One of my closest friends said to me "I just feel like you are getting jipped not being able to bond with your baby for nine months like I did". I don't feel like that at all!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt bugs me when people reassure me that Jack looks just like us. My dearest friend does it all the time, even though she KNOWS that I don't really hold that too closely, because any day he could start to look much more like his birthfamily. His birth mother and I share a similar heritage, but even though I've seen pictures of the birthfather, I have no real info on where he comes from in his genes...
ReplyDeleteYOUR DAUGHTER IS SO BEAUTIFUL! Don't you dare listen to people who say otherwise. Her eyelashes! Her eyes! Her nose and chin! OH MY GOSH!!! She's the complete package of gorgeousness!! If anyone ever said anything close to suggesting plastic surgery to my child I'd punch them in the nose! You're amazing for not doing it! And she in no way looks like she has Downs.
I was standing next to a friend who has a son of mixed heritage because she is Hispanic and his Dad is Black. And a woman came up to us and started talking to her about adoption, and the challenges of raising a child from another race. I eyeballed the woman and gave my friend a sideways glance. And blew the woman away with six words. "Her son isn't adopted. Mine is." Turns out SHE WAS AN ADOPTIVE MOM!
As Bill Engvall would say "Here's your sign."
Next time someone says "In your situation" you should ask them what situation that might be. :P
When our adoption fell through, people asked me if I was mad. I really wasn't. I can't imagine how hard it would be to place a child for adoption. I knew I wouldn't have wanted to give her up once I had her, so I can relate to the difficulty in it. What I was, was hurt. I was expecting something and it didn't happen.
ReplyDeleteJ, It breaks my heart to say that someone very close to me, not a stranger, made that comment... Oh, yes, I know! My baby is beautiful! Absolutely perfect! :o)
ReplyDeleteGiantspeedbump, I think it's great that you and your baby will have the wonderful experience of being surrounded by many adoptive families. Unfortunately there are no support groups in our area. NONE. I spoke to our SW the other day and she's organizing a picnic next month for the adoptive families she has worked with. Let's see where that leads. Hopefully we can all find support. I'm looking forward to it.
rlvd, I'm steaming too! Yes, they talk trash... I wish there was a magic bullet, some kind of multi-symptom pill we could give everyone so they would understand, stop staring, bite their tongue and shut up! (As I'm typing, there's a mom in the waiting room STARING. Ugh!)
Corey Family, Yes. You have no time for this! Enjoy your baby!!!!!
Kel, I hear the comments, I don't listen. ;o) She is indeed the the complete package of gorgeousness!! "What situation?" I like that. ;o)
Sissy, people have no idea. They think we handle loss differently simply because we didn't have a baby growing inside us. Were you hurt, sad, in pain? Don't you think women feel the same after a miscarriage?
Great post! I'm not the quiet type, so if anybody says some stupid comment to me about my child be adopted, rest assured that I will have a fabulous come-back! Why are people so stupid??
ReplyDeleteShe is beautiful. These people should really think about what they say before they say it. What if she understands on some level?
ReplyDeleteI get lots of dumb questions, too as a first mom. But, really, the worst questions are the ones not asked, because then they will never know the answer.
I agree that some of those comments are shocking and I understand the frustration. However, in defense of people who haven't adopted, they too often just are not sure what to say and they end up saying something just for the sake of "saying" something and end up unintentionally putting their foot in their mouth. Before someone should label people as "stupid" and "ignorant" as previous commenters did, one should keep in mind that any person doesn't know how someone feels about their own adoption and every adoptive parents reacts differently, too. The comment about the "real" parent WAS flat out stupid and ignorant, but the others seem to just be a small bout of verbal diarrhea. Understanding goes both ways. Anyway, your daughter is gorgeous and just keep smiling. Clever comebacks are the best way to go. Like your blog! Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe people have said those things to you! We are just starting our adoption journey...I haven't received any hurtful comments yet, but I am definitely preparing myself for them.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Wow. What the hell is wrong with people!?!?!
ReplyDeleteI'm visiting for the first time. Congratulations on your beautiful little girl!! My husband and I have been home-study ready and waiting 22 months.
ICLW #14
I am just in shock over the first coment. "real moms"? Are you serious!?! I have never heard anything so terrible and ridiculous in my life. I am sorry you have had to hear so much crap!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I hate people. I actually say that sentence out loud. Like, when the paparazzi were all over Britney Spears because she would go to Starbucks to buy a Frappuccino and it would be on Entertainment Tonight. Or when people care about what happens on the Bachelor or The Bachelorette. That's when I say I hate people. And after reading your post, I hate people even more. Maybe it's beacause I'm a teacher and I fall in love with kids every year. Or maybe it's because I know for some of the kids I teach, I'm all they've got. I'm the only one who'll give them a hug, a word of praise and even ask them if they feel ok. So the next time someone makes an ignorant comment, you can tell them..."You know, my friend Marianne...she lives in Toronto and she hates ignorant people like you." Then smile and walk away.
ReplyDeleteOk, so my previous comment was a little off the cuff. Here's the politcally correct one. People will always have comments. It's the society we live in. It's ulitmately how we react to them that matters. Smile, nod and breathe. This too shall pass. You are the real mom to the one that matters, your precious little girl. And she is so lucky to have you and your husband. Give her extra hugs and squeezes because that's what matters, not what people who mean well but don't get it have to say...
ReplyDeleteHugs!
People are so dumb. They really are. It's okay for people to call themselves "mom" to a dog, but not to a child whom has been adopted. A Mom is a mom is a mom. I don't care how you became one. But all it takes is the love in your heart to become one. Whethere its for your baby, or a pet.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on being a mommy. I'm sure you're a wonderful one!
Ashlee, ICLW #180
Oops Happy ICLW
ReplyDeleteJonelle #98
Wow, I can't beleive people actually said those things to you. We haven't had an excessive amount of insensitive comments thrown at us in regards to adoption, but infertility is a whole different story.
ReplyDeleteThe only comments we have received in regards to adoption is when we tell them that our agency only does open adoptions. And that is when the comments come. We are more that okay with an open adoption. Some of our friends are not so okay with it and they like to voice that to us.
Your daughter is gorgeous.
ACK! You just can't make this stuff up. It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant some people are.
ReplyDeleteWow - some of those comments are doozies. Sigh...
ReplyDeleteICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/
I am an adoptive mama of 2 beautiful daughters. One Chinese, and one black. I have been asked TWO TIMES in the last week if I was babysitting. I have been asked MANY crazy things over the last 3 yrs, but these took the cake!
ReplyDeleteWhere on earth do you live that people think slanted/almond shaped eyes means something is WRONG? I think they're assuming that you're white, therefore your baby must be white and therefore those eyes don't fit the picture. Good grief! I think that's why I have always been reticent about joining mummy/baby groups. Good luck in your efforts to find support from other adoptive families.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when the people closest to us say things that really hurt us. I hope that despite the fact that she doesn't understand why someone would give their child up, she should respect their decision to make that sacrifice so that the child could have a better life.
ICLW
LOL! Some of those had my eyes bugging out of my head, and some of those (having heard them myself, too... oh, people) I just have to laugh at people's stupidity! (re: the post of mine you commented on *wink* )
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog on the ICLW list and feel like I could've written this post! Its so frustrating to me that people seem to have such a hard time understanding that adoption is how our family was formed, its part of who we are (a part we are proud of), but that it doesn't make us any different or less real than other families.
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not the only one facing this issue!